It doesn't seem fair, but it is true. I saw it in the way they look at each other; the way they flirt and tease each other.... They can deny it all they want, and they may not believe it just yet, but I can see that they like each other. So that is it then...I don't to talk to any of them until school...I don't think I could bring myself to it.

Al is such a raging bitch. Half the fights that have been started in our group have been started by or been about her. If she isn't in the middle of something, she is starting it. She is an insecure slut who needs to just do the world a favor and just "end it", like she has whining about so much lately. GODDAMNIT, I HATE HER!!!!!

things are strange...i just don't get anything anymore. tj flirts, but with nothing behind it, kevin won't talk to me, at least not through anything other than email, and i keep getting hit on a 14-yr-old at the pool. WHY, GOD, WHY? WHY ME?!

TJ is moving, I have lost Kevin as a friend, more than likely for good.... I just wanna die...nothing makes sense anymore...nothing lasts...nothing good ever lasts...

I have completely burnt the bridge between me and Kevin. He and I have been sending rather unpleasant emails to each other, and I finally blew up on him and told him that I "fucking hate him" and that he "should just forget that he ever met me". Oh God, what have I done? Is this the way it ends? I am going to lose a friend, probably only one that I have ever had anything in common with beyond theater, and it is all because I just couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut. I am so fucking impulsive, impatient, STUPID! TJ hasn't talked to me since I told him that I 'liked' him, so that is just fucking great. I feel like I am losing all my friends. The only ones that seem to be sticking with me are Chad and Melissa. I guess I know who my real friends are. Everyone else is just abandoning me, leaving me at the wayside because they "want their personal space" or some bull shit like that. This is great. So far, being 18 sucks ass.

Oh, this really is the perfect way to spend a Friday night...pounding away at the keyboard, waiting for SOMEONE to log on to MSN Messenger other than Billy(no offence to the poor guy), and watching a J-Lo flick...Anaconda...why is the snake screaming? Snakes don't scream! Either way, there are several other things I would rather be doing right now, like hanging out with Melissa or TJ or Kevin, for instance. Yeah...so many things I would rather be doing right now...so many...

...Everytime.... Even if I dont want to. I swear. I should just trash everything that reminds me of him, like the cds, and the notes, the i-flurtz, the pictures...God...so many pictures....
I got an email from him. It was one line long. He was practically yellling at me because of the email I sent him. I asked him why he never answers my emails, in a rather gruff way, so I guess I deserved it. It still hurt. I didn't mean to make him mad, but I did. He probably hates me even more now...

"I'm Not That Girl" Lyrics

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!! I can't get him out of my mind, and Topher isn't helping me much. He sent me a picture of myself and Kevin together at prom, and I reminded me of how much I really like Kevin. I hate to admit it--I really want to get over him--but I just love him to death. He is funny and sweet and an AMAZING kisser. I just can't help myself. I want to tell him, but it would do me little good...he likes Al, last I heard. I hate her. Everyone and their dad loves her. WHY? According to Andy it is because she is all sex appeal. He says I have personality. In other word, I have no looks to speak of. Yay. But, back to Kevin. He is working abroad right now. I can't help help but wish that something will happen to him while he is gone that will make him fall in love with me. But wishing doesn't get me far...

I am worried about Kevin.... From what I have been told, he has been acting really wierd. He has been holing himself up in his room and he hasn't gone out and done anything with Topher and Deanna. It makes me worry. It is not like him to do this...at least I don't think it is. I think I know him well enough that I would be able to decide that...
I am still worried about him, though. It is summer, and he is just secluding himself, even when he really has nothing to do and is asked to go do stuff by his friends. I am wondering if he is okay. Something must be wrong. I hope he is alright. I think I might call him...yeah...hm......

Josh has been acting wierd. I am afraid he is thinking that he wants a second chance. I don't want to give him a second chance. I wish I could say that I don't love him, because I do, but I don't want to get crushed like I did last time. Dad says that Josh just wasn't all together because he was leaving and that he has straightened out alot since then, but I don't care. What he did to me last time was just too much. I can't let that happen again. Not to me, not to him. I refuse to let it. I don't want to be with you, Josh. I just can't...

1. Love, relationships, and anything in that catagory are like a good shake: they are great, but go too fast and you will get 'a brain freeze'. And, no matter how many times you get 'frozen', you always go back for more without a second thought.

2. Grinding on the dance floor=clothed orgy=gross

3. Money is like a great comeback(for those of us not-so-quick-witted): you never have any when you really need them.

4. You are never better than anyone else...they are just not as good as you.

5. If someone offends you, don't yell at them or talk crap behind their back. Beat them over the head with a brick when they aren't looking...it's much more effective.

6. Andy C. laughs...out loud...yah...cool.

7. Look at everything/everyone a different way; you might come up with a new reason to hate it/them.

8. Life sucks then you die.

9. Being a drama nerd is like being any other kind of nerd, except for the whole pocket protecters and math/science clubs thing.

10. Pants are like shirts...you wear them...according to Andy.

11. Present your friends with food in an airline sickness bag. They'll love you forever (call flight attendant for bag disposal).

12. A good insult toward white-trash people: Your mom goes to college.

13. Never underestimate the power of cheese.

14. Cell phones are now like hair; almost everyone has at least one.

15. To be great is to misunderstood.

16. Your life is nothing like the movies. If it is, you are a very lucky person.

17. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve the best, no matter how much of a loser you are.

18. To those who think they are perfect: You are dead wrong. In fact, you are actually the opposite. So get over yourself!

19. The fact that disappointment is a factor in life isn't the shitty part; it's how much that can suck.

20. Rumors attract people like shit attracts flies.

21. Your image is only what you want it to be. Don't let some bimbo/a-hole out of a magazine make you think otherwise.

22. Being cool is how you define it. I, personally, see Hulk Hogan as my idol, but that's just me.

23. Waiting for someone to fall in love with you w/o some action on your behalf is like waiting for to win the lottery...it's just not gonna happen.

24. Guys, scratching yourself in public is not cool. I don't care who you are with or where you are, it is just gross.

25. Girls, don't be affectionate...it apparently 'clingy' in guy terms and it repells them.

26. Behind every great man, there is a cat controlling them.

27. It is not as single person that can being annoying, it is the combination of the wrong people that can be a pain in the anal-region.

28. Ladies, do not snort when you laugh. It is so unbecoming.

29. Gents, do not think that being a show-offy jerk will impress anybody...it just makes you look like an ass.

30. Be not the frog, but the toad: Look before you leap. You will live longer, that way.

I swear--I am the biggest idiot I know. I blew it with TJ. I just told him, flat out, without even thinking of who I was talking to and how he would handle it. I embarassed myself, that's what I did. I completely made a fool fo myself. Way to go, Liz, you retard. Yet another screw-up to add to your long line of screw-ups. You deserve a pat on the back...with a bull-whip! Idiot! Retard! Inconsiderate moron! Think before you look, you frog! You are not as brave as you think you are! I swear...I am so impulsive when it comes to mistakes...I jump right at them.

Melissa is leaving to Texas for mission trip this week. That means I have to deal with the terrors that are Al, Andy, and numerous little children at play practice. This also means that I won't be going out much, seeing as that I only go out if Mel is present. Sure, I go driving with my other friends, sure, I go do stuff with them. But I don't get to stay for long, because I usually wind out staying with her. And I don't want to hang out with anyone else, really. Amber is pissed off at me, I will never willing hang out with Al, spending too much time with chad leads you to being turned green, and I have never gone and done anything with just Andy or just TJ (though I wouldn't mind going and spending some time with the latter of the 2*cheezy smile*). That, and I haven't seen or heard from any of my other friends since school got out (some friends),other than Topher. Beyond that, it looks like I am going to be bored outside my mind and extremely irratable for the next week or so. Yippee. Melissa, I miss you already. Go have an adventure, girlie.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SEVERAL SPORTS/ATHLETIC ALLUSIONS AND REFERENCES. FOR THOSE WITH LOW TOLERATION FOR SUCH PHRASES, READING THIS ENTRY IS NOT RECOMMENDED. THANK YOU.

Okay. That is it. I am tired of sitting on the sidelines and letting people who don't need or deserve them take all the good things in life from me. I have tried and tried; I guess I just haven't tried hard enough. I am not going to stand by and watch some bimbo steal his heart and break it. I am going to go for the goal and tell him how I feel. It is risky, but is better than just sitting here pouting about nothing good ever happens to me. I can't just expect TJ to just fall into my arms and profess his undying love for me (hehehehehehe); I have to let him know how I feel and show him that I am not just what he sees, that there is alot more to me than meets the eye. That is why I seeked help from the only other guy who knows TJ that well...Andy. He isn't going to tell him flat out, as I instructed him not to. He is going to hint toward it and let him know that there is someone in the show that likes him. That's when I come in. TJ and Chad are supposed to come fetch me so that Chad can prepare me for tonight's filming of Defying Gravity. The first moment I get alone with TJ, I going to tell him myself. Well, actually I manuver him to that particular topic (of Andy mentioning odd things like that) and then I am going to, eh...pounce? Yeah, that's it. I'm going to pounce at the given opportunity and tell TJ how I feel. That should do it. Yeah...it'll be great. Rock on!

I am tired of trying; I am tired of even thinking that it is worth the effort. Everything that I want, everything that I try for, I get it ripped from my possession by undeserving hands. I hope and I try, but everything that I ever want is always taken from right under my nose. I am tired of hoping that something good will happen to me; I am tired of working for things only to find them given to someone who has been given everything to them on a silver platter. I find that I have feelings for someone, only to find that someone else has their eyes on him and that there is a possibility that they like them back. She comes back from vacation, flitting her hair and showing off her tan, stealing the attention of others away. Kevin liked her, Andy liked her, Topher liked her, and I am sure TJ likes her. I hate her. She is a slut. She (excuse my terminology)sucks and fucks whoever she wants and no one sees her for what she is. Everyone still thinks she is some delicate, sensitive angel who would never do anything bad, but the honest truth is that she is a slut. She has cheated on her boyfriends (with ex-boyfriends, I might add)and hasn't felt a single ounce of guilt for what she had done or what she could have caused. The sad thing is, she is supposed to be my friend, but I secretly loathe her. And it is not just her I hate--it is people like Kari and Audrey. They are given everything they want freely, even though there are those who actually worked for it that probably deserve it more. I am not even talking about myself; my friends get ripped off in things that they deserved from these people.
I hate the world. No one who truly deserves it gets their just rewards and those who are undeserving get everything. It is crap. Why does one even bother trying? There is no point; it just leads to heartache and disappointment, which I know I am not too fond of. I am tired of trying to gain the loving regard of those who are infatuated with people that are willing to open their legs or mouth (whatever their particular favorite)just for the sole purpose to gain pleasure. I am also tired of working for things that I will never gain because someone is always their to flash a fake smile or flit their way into something they don't deserve. I am tired of it. It is senseless. I am tired of being alone and I am tired of trying for things that I will, seemingly, never get. Forget it. I give up; I surrender to a mediocre life, filled with second-hand feelings and dead-ends.

I am really confused right now--I can't explain how or why, but I think I have feelings for someone that I never thought I could have feelings for. Granted, he is a very worthwhile person. He is intellegent; he is kind; he is funny; he is goal-oriented; he is religious; he wants a family someday (he is most definately going to make the greatest daddy). Beyond all that, he is a close friend of mine.
I don't know for sure if that is what I am feeling. I could just be mistaking love for admiration, which he deserves alot of. This could just be the hormones of an 18-yr-old going to work.... But I think it may be something more than that, because why him? I have never, ever felt anything for him of this nature up until now, and I have known him for over 2 years. Wouldn't I have felt something before if it were nothing? I don't know...it just seems odd to me. Usually this sort of things happens right when I meet someone. Why would it take me this long to feel this way?
God, help me figure this out so no one gets hurt, esp. him. That is the last thing I want to do. If I hurt him, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to hurt anyone...least of all TJ.

Today was the worst day I've had in a long while.... To begin, mom and Josh keeping pushing the issue of the name of our future child *Jethroe...URG!* and how we will get back together (that was actually just my mother, but it still pisses me off). Then, at play practice, Mrs. Smith yelled at everyone in StateFair, because we have apparently been telling Anthoney that she is a tyrrant (which she is) and that she is trying to force us to choose between the two shows (which she hasn't). Then, to make matters worse, I am getting a stomach ache/headache. God, isn't this a way to start a new year in my life...

Oh, and I am alone...utterly alone. I mentioned the fact that I hate being a lonely single--well guess what? I am the poster child for Lonely Singles Anonymus. Why am I so unlucky in love? I don't even care about Kevin anymore; it is just being alone in general. I hate being single...I thought I could handle it but I just can't. Being alone just sucks. I miss being held in someone's arms, hearing the heart beat of someone who cares about me, feeling the warmth of someone's lips on mine...I want to be loved. I want to feel needed, to feel like my existance actually matters.... Someone fill this void in my heart...I can't stand it another minute.
If this is what being 18 is supposed to feel like, it sucks ass.

I am, as of 7:38 AM, legally 18 years old.... I don't feel feel any different, but then again I have the whole day to find out what being 18 feels like...well, I actually have a couple of days, but it isn't the same as today...today is the day that is best. I kinda felt it this morning. I stayed up late reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants--it was 12:41 AM when I finally stopped--and I kinda had a moment. I felt good, like I had some hard-core purpose for the day, like I had hope for a wonderful next year...it felt good. But I was kinda half-asleep so I'm not sure that it was an 'authentic' moment. So, other than that, I don't feel any different...
So, I have to suffer through a day of family bbq's before I get to do anything with my friends. TJ, Andy, and Melissa want to take me out to the movies to watch House of Wax. I really want to go, but I don't know if I will get the chance to. I have to go to my family's party (which I don't mind at all) and I don't know when that starts or ends, so I don't know if I'll get to go anywhere tonight. I might go out Monday night, but then it won't be as great...it won't be my birthday, then. Gah! I wanna go partay with my friends!

I sit here on my computer, staring blankly at the screen. I have no idea why, but I find myself staring at his IM name: (d)Eye mull of mu sheen(d). It makes me laugh and at the same time makes me so depressed.... Why can't I get over him? Why can't I just let go? He is wonderful, he is smart, he is brilliant...he doesn't want me. He wants Al, or whoever currently meets his fancy. The point is that he doesn't want me, but I can't help but want him. I don't know why; I just do. He and I are alot alike. We think alot alike in most cases and we like alot of the same stuff. For God's sake, he was #2 on my I-flurtz list and I was #1 on his! And that kiss at prom, oh God, that kiss. That was like the single most perfect moment in my entire life! Doesn't that count for anything? I guess not.... To him I am 'just a friend'...that's all I'll ever be to him. Just a friend...



Well, what if I don't want to be just a friend?! Don't I have some say in this? I mean, Jesus Christ we went out twice and both times he ended it! I have yet to get a chance to show him the real me. He always stops before anything really starts. God damn him! Why can't you just try?! What are you afraid of? I am clingy, yes, but only because I am not afraid to show you how I feel about you. You are like a breath of fresh air in my little world! We are different, but the same; you're new, but still familiar to me....


Oh, God...I am turning into Andy.... Goddamit, Liz, stop it! It's never gonna happen! He doesn't want you. You'll never have anything with him. You're just a friend. Deal with it.